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Month: June, 2012

Today Was About Death

Today I watched Six Feet Under with my friend and then my mother rang to say her cousin had died.

No-one knows yet how the cousin died. It was sudden and unexpected. My mother didn’t talk much about her death. She talked for a long time about how she lived. I never knew this woman, and my mother had never mentioned her to me before. Now I know many things about her life.

For the living, death is life, and this is why we cry. For the dead, death is just death, and not worth shedding tears over.

Love, Laughter, Truth

This poem is my tribute to Bill Hicks, who is my only idol.

Savage laughter

Primal rage

Channelled to humour

Pain and catharsis.

 

Screaming truth

Ranting reason

Irate sheepherder

Howling at the void

 

Weary cynic

Disappointed

Surprised at nothing

Raised eyebrow smirk

 

Raping taboos

Norms punctured

Reckless iconoclast

Pugnacious apostate

 

Cults rejected

Idols spat on

Clear eyed seeker

Sacrilegious spirit

 

Claiming hate

Teaching love

Reluctant romantic

Directing the ride

 

Here and gone

Briefly burning

Flash of humanity

Glowing after image

I Want You Here

Right now

I want you here

Not to hold

Not to kiss

Not to fuck

Not right now

Just here

With me

How It Begins

It begins like I’m drying out. Pieces of me liquefy and trickle out, run onto the floor and are absorbed into the carpet. I slowly become a desiccated and fragile thing. A slight bend and I break in half. A little pressure and I crumble into powder.

Then my surroundings begin to go. The colour leeches out of things. Nothing is rich. Nothing is warm. The world is dead and I breathe its ashes.

There is no great pain at this beginning. I have no energy to struggle or cry out. There is nothing of resistance. I am hollow.

Hollow vessels but wait to be filled. I dimly fear what might force its way into me. That black poison. The world no longer dead but un-dead, re-animated and horrific. Fungal spores in the air, maggots and rot just beneath the skin. Decay within and without.

Then I will know pain. Then I will struggle. Then I will cry out. Then I will beg for mercy in silence. But not yet. This is how it begins.

Full Circle

Past and present collide

You find yourself gaping

At a familiar face

You hoped not to meet again

 

The anxious recognition

Made strange by being here

Far ahead of yourself

Where you had thought it was safe

 

You struggle to reconcile

The then with the now

To reach a conclusion

That’s not a repeat of the same

Blink

While I am here

There is music

There is laughter

There is love

That is enough.

The Actress

There’s a woman I know who is among the best of us, but she can’t see it. The rest of us, meanwhile, can see that much clearly, but will never see the rest of her.

She hides, you see. There are things within her that she does not trust to others. A long time ago she took to her soul with a censor’s knife, partitioning sensitive data away into herself. With the rest she fashioned a mask that rarely slips, and is even more rarely removed. It’s not fake, the mask. She is never not herself with those she cares to share her life with. It’s just that in her whole life she has found no-one she cares to share all her self with.

Privately, she rebukes herself for this. Sometimes parts of her are held back, and things would be greatly changed if they were revealed. This makes her feel like a liar. But those parts are her gift to give. Not everyone deserves them. It may be that no-one deserves them. We don’t demand to be allowed into her bedroom as she is getting dressed, or to witness those moments when her heart is touched, or to run our finger across a blotched tear drop in her diary. Intimacy is a treasure that is hers to hoard.

And in some ways her life is truer than many. She may wear a mask, and sometimes her lines are rote. But she never speaks in any voice but her own. It is that voice that I love.

The Slow Game

I’m losing a game
I don’t know how to play and
No-one can teach me

I sit alone here
With my apathy and shame
And I barely move.

Silence surrounds me.
My small movements declare me
While I wish to hide.

To call existence
A victory- such are my
Pitiful tactics.

Rewarding myself
And keeping my back turned as
Another piece falls.

He joins the pile
The sad heap of detritus
Cluttered about me.

These broken trophies
For my faceless opponent
Force me to concede.

Another point his,
That turn passes by, while I
Still don’t know the rules.

Deafening

How loud this world must be to him
To have worn those earmuffs his whole life.

How unbearably piercing the sound of reality
To have him constantly humming that tune.

How the truth must roar in his ears
As he strains to shout out his lies.

And how quiet it seems to me
As I just sit and let it be.

Hello Darkness (A Visit From an Old Friend)

Hello Darkness. Welcome back. Take a seat. Make yourself at home. Can I get you anything? A hot cup of tears? A piece of pathos? A lovely slice of apathy with a side of cynicism and despair? I’ve got some motivation that’s been stagnating since your last visit. Should be lovely and tender by now.

So, how have you been? Still breaking hearts? Playing the field? You rogue, you never change. Me? I’ve been good, actually. Made some positive changes in my life. Met some beautiful people. Existed day to day in a place of hope and well being. I won’t go on about it. I know how you hate that stuff. Seen any of our mutual friends lately? Oh, I completely forgot you knew him. He just doesn’t seem like your type. You’re quite the socialite, aren’t you? Careful though, those artistic guys, they’ll just use you for catharsis. Next thing you know the demo you made together gets them signed and they’re laughing all the way to the bank. See how often he calls you then.

Right, shall we have a game then? Not much else to do round here, I’m afraid. Okay, you go first…..and you’ve landed on past mistakes. Yeah? Oh-five, would it have been? Shit, I do remember that! Man, I hadn’t thought about that in years. Does really show up the flaws in my character aye? All right, my turn….I got self reproach. Well, thinking about your turn, that wasn’t an isolated incident, and it does just go to show that I’m not as cool a human being as I like to think I am, you know? I mean, do you think I go around just telling myself these stories about how great I am, while I’m just ignoring the fact I’m a shitty person down under it? Tell me honestly….Well, I asked I guess. Your turn again.

Crap is that the time? Hey, it’s been great having you, but I’m expecting Light any minute now, and I know how you two don’t get along. It’s a shame, you know, I think you guys have a lot more in common than you think. Oh well, nothing like sibling rivalry, aye? Alright, until next time then.